A Nuisance At Netherfield! Sailor Meryton and the Battle of the Ball
by brynnjour
Summary: P&P meets Sailor Moon in this crackpot "Crack Fic." And yes, it's exactly as nonsensical as it sounds. You have been warned. [AU (obvs), HEA, general insanity, too much wine]


Thanks for checking out my cracked crossover! I am so sorry.

However, I would like to thank the good people at Hulu for this bunny, and obviously the chat chits of AHA. I think I understand crack now... maybe? Anyway, I guess we'll see.

If you're not familiar with Sailor Moon, well, I pity you. But this _is_ a crack fic, so it really shouldn't matter. It's a shorty in three parts, the remainder of which will show up when you least expect them… just like a baddie!

Thanks for reading!

(I think)

xo brynn

* * *

 **A NUISANCE AT NETHERFIELD! SAILOR MERYTON AND THE BATTLE OF THE BALL**

A Pride & Prejudice Variation

of sorts

Featuring the Sailor Scouts

written by

Brynn Ashley

with her heartfelt apologies to

Jane Austen

and Naoko Takeuchi

* * *

 **PART I: A NEW ENEMY APPEARS**

 **Opening Theme** :  
FIGHTING EVIL  
BY CANDLELIGHT  
WINNING LOVE  
WITH CLEVER SLIGHTS  
NEVER RUNNING  
FROM AN ARGUMENT  
SHE IS THE ONE NAMED  
SAILOR MERYTON

SHE WILL NEVER TURN  
HER BACK ON A FRIEND  
LIKE HOW SHE WALKED ALL  
THE WAY TO NETHERFIELD  
SHE IS THE ONE ON  
WHOM WE CAN DEPEND  
SHE IS THE ONE NAMED  
SAILOR…  
SAILOR BRIGHTON!  
SAILOR FORDYCE!  
SAILOR MATLOCK!  
SAILOR LONGBOURN!

SHE IS THE ONE…  
SAILOR MERYTON!

* * *

Narrator:  
 _TWO HUNDRED AND SOMETHING YEARS AGO,_  
 _HERTFORDSHIRE WAS HOME TO GREAT_  
 _CIVILIZATION RULED BY KING GEORGE IV._  
 _EVERYTHING WAS PEACEFUL_  
 _EXCEPT FOR THE NAPOLEONIC WARS_  
 _AND THE WAR OF 1812_  
 _AND A NUMBER OF OTHER SKIRMISHES._  
 _STILL, THINGS IN HERTFORDSHIRE WERE PRETTY GOOD_  
 _UNTIL THE ARRIVAL OF EVIL MISS CARYL._

EVIL MISS CARYL: Ha ha ha ha! Quite right! The reputation of a lady always  
precedes her!

Narrator:  
 _THE EVIL MISS HAD RECENTLY ATTENDED_  
 _A DINNER ENGAGEMENT IN MERYTON AND_  
 _OVERHEARD THE OBJECT OF HER MISDIRECTED_  
 _AFFECTIONS PROCLAIM THAT MISS ELIZABETH_  
 _BENNET_ _—_

EVIL MISS CARYL: A poor, miserable, squash-faced little nobody!

Narrator:  
 _—_ _UM, OKAY. ANYWAY SHE HEARD HIM EXPRESS_  
 _AN INTEREST IN MISS ELIZABETH BENNET'S_ _  
_ _"FINE EYES."_

EVIL MISS CARYL: The meaning implied by such an expression of preference would  
be clear to any accomplished woman of good breeding! Miss Elizabeth Bennet should  
hardly inhabit the same drawing room as Mr. Darcy, let alone receive his particular  
attentions! I shall know how to act!

Narrator:  
 _IF EVIL MISS CARYL WILL CEASE HER INTERRUPTIONS  
FOR A MOMENT, I WILL BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN  
THAT SHE THEN USED HER MOST OSTENTATIOUS_  
 _BROOCH TO SUMMON THE EVEN EVILER QUEEN_  
 _CATHRALIA OF THE DARK KENTDOM. SERIOUSLY_  
 _SHE WAS SUPER EVIL. YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW._

EVIL MISS CARYL: "First Meryton shall be mine, then Mr. Darcy! Mwahahahaha!"

Narrator:  
 _TO CONQUER MERYTON, MISS CARYL_  
 _CALLED UPON THE AWESOME FORCE OF_  
 _TAKING A TURN ABOUT THE ROOM_  
 _WHICH SHOWED HER FIGURE TO ITS_  
 _BEST ADVANTAGE. USING THIS ANCIENT_ _  
POWER ON THE NIGHT OF THE NETHERFIELD  
BALL, EVIL MISS CARYL WOULD BE ABLE TO  
EMPLOY __ALL OF HER MANY ARTS AND_  
 _ALLUREMENTS TO DEFEAT THE FINE EYES  
OF MISS ELIZABETH BENNET, DESTROY  
MERYTON, AND WIGGLE HER WAY INTO  
THE EXCEEDINGLY (AND FASHIONABLY) _  
_TIGHT PANTS OF MR. DARCY._

 _ALTHOUGH MERYTON WAS VERY LIKELY  
TO BE DESTROYED THIS VERY EVENING,_  
 _MISS CARYL DID NOT COUNT ON_  
 _HERTFORDSHIRE'S LAST HOPE, THE_  
 _POWER OF THE IMPERIAL SILVER_  
 _PIANOFORTE AND THE CRESCENT RETICULE!_  
 _PASSED DOWN THROUGH GENERATIONS_  
 _THESE CRYSTALLINE ACCOUTREMENTS_  
 _WERE PROTECTED AND WIELDED BY AN_  
 _ELITE TEAM OF FIGHTERS, THE SAILOR SCOUTS._  
 _NO ONE EVER KNEW WHY THEY WERE CALLED_  
 _THAT OR CARED TO ASK, SO DON'T SPEND_  
 _TOO MUCH TIME WORRYING ABOUT IT._

 _AND SO OUR STORY BEGINS!_

LONGBOURN, JANE AND LIZZY'S BEDROOM - THE EVENING OF THE NETHERFIELD BALL.

[Jane and Elizabeth Bennet stand before a mirror, each admiring the appearance of the  
other as well as her own. They are dressed elegantly in white ballgowns. Jane sighs.]

JANE: "Lizzy, I must confess something to you. I hope you do not think me very dreadful."

LIZZY: "If you mean to confess that you are counting the minutes until Mr. Bingley's ball at  
Netherfield this evening, you may save your breath to cool your porridge, Jane."

JANE: "Lizzy!"

LIZZY: "Do not trouble yourself so, Jane, for I shall match your scandalous confession with  
one of my own. I myself have thought of nothing else all day!"

JANE: "If that should be the case we had better hurry downstairs! I would not have Mama leave  
for the ball without us!"

[EXIT Lizzy and Jane. They laugh and link arms in a show of sisterly affection as they descend  
the stairs of Longbourn and make their way into the waiting carriage. They are soon joined by  
their parents and younger sisters. We watch from above as the carriage travels down the lane  
toward Netherfield Park. The sky above is filled with dark, foreboding clouds. As we FADE, we  
hear only Evil Miss Caryl's menacing laughter, interspersed with booming claps of thunder.]

* * *

Well? Have I gone crack yet? Half-cracked? Is the crack half-full or half-empty? Do I need another glass of wine?

Will Evil Miss Caryl succeed in her mission to overcome all of Meryton with her nefarious accomplishments? Any guesses as to the identities/alter egos of our Sailor Scouts?

Sailor Meryton says: "Leaving **comments** is cool!"


End file.
